Golden Sun Rambtings
by Numdenu
Summary: Rantings plus ramblings equals rambtings. For instance, Haze suggests touching the sky in naughty places, Ivan's essence in another dimension is a floating ball of light, and the winner of the contest is announced! THE LAST CHAPTER! IT'S OVER!
1. THE SUPERNATURAL

Iiiiiiiiiit's MEEEEEE!

Chibi Link: Show-Off...

Welcome to...GOLDEN SUN RAMBTINGS!

Chibi Link: O.o Rambtings?

Rantings plus ramblings equals rambtings.

Chibi Link: Oh.

I'm getting tired of typing out "Chibi Link".

CL: Off topic! And here, how about this?

Works. Anyways, for the first chapter here today, we shall be rambting about...THE SUPERNATURAL!

CL: Namely, what's REALLY down in the Madra Catacombs, Sister scaring sister, and Piers playing superhero!

PIERS PLAYING SUPERHERO DOESN'T COUNT AS SUPERNATURAL YOU DWEEB!

CL: It's super_human_...

And you're super _brain-dead_.

CL: Okay, okay, we'll do that alternate-dimension shtick.

Num here, LAUNCHING CHAPTER!

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"Felix, there's a ladder, you know," Sheba pointed out, climbing down said ladder after Felix, who had ungracefully landed flat on his face. "So, where is this?"

"Madra Catacombs," said Jenna, shortly before slipping on the ladder, falling, and landing on her brother.

"Man, I hate to think of how this is going to play out," Felix moaned from the floor.

Jenna quickly pulled herself up and leaned against the wall. "Why are we here?"

Sheba shrugged and helped Felix up, who replied, "Because we have nowhere else to go, and can't get to Gondowan without the Lash Pebble."

Jenna glared. "So you think it's down here?"

"No, but it's nice to explore everything."

Sheba assumed an annoyed look as Felix led the way into the catacombs and up to a sealed door with a plaque beside it. Part of the wall next to the door was crumbling.

As the girls studied the plaque, Felix picked at the crumbling masonry with intrigue, and the entire section of wall crashed to the ground, many fragments damaging the Earth Adept as the fell. This earned him death glares from his companions.

Felix grinned sheepishly and stumbled into the ruins.

The ruins were covered with cobwebs, dust, rubble, and various other clutter, including the occasional treasure chest. It smelled of mildew and troll residence, among other things. The three picked through the underground town, as it seemed to be, for various interesting trinkets, namely the treasure chests. Several hours later, Sheba froze, her eyes wide, carefully scanning the room.

"Helloooooo..." Jenna waved her hand in front of the blonde's face. "Sheba? Weyard to Sheba..."

Sheba whispered hoarsely, "Voices...I h-hear voices..."

Jenna looked over her shoulder. "Felix? Get over here. Sheba's hallucinating."

Felix turned to face his sister. "I'll take your word for it, but she's not over there."

"What are you talking about? She's right-"Jenna glanced at where the Wind Adept stood, only to find she was gone.

"WHERE DID SHE GO?"

The siblings frantically searched the ruins for any trace of Sheba, looking high, low, and everywhere in between. But they did not check the large building in the northwest corner of the ruins until Jenna used Fume to hightail Felix inside and into a radio. Said radio was in perfect condition and blaring out music. In the center of the room was a table, smashed in half by a large boulder that was still in place. On top the boulder, dancing to the music, was...

...Sheba!

Felix's jaw dropped, and he watched dumbstruck until he finally burst out yelling, "SHEBA WHAT THE MOOSE ARE YOU DOING?"

The girl turned to face him with a confused look on her face before reading Felix's mind, much to his dislike. A strange telepathic voice echoed in the Earth Adept's mind, saying, "Sorry, I'm possessing her right now. You can have her back in ten years."

Felix's jaw snapped back into place. "Hey! That's not fair! Give her back!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"I'll do anything!"

Sheba smirked, and the voice sounded interested. "...Anything?"

"Yes!"

"Alright. Get me something..."

"What?"

"I don't know yet, I'm still thinking."

Felix silently fumed to himself before the voice came to a decision. "How about...YOUR SOUL!" As the last two words echoed in Felix's mind, Sheba took on the expression of a demonic predator about to attack its prey: a look that is savoring blood yet to be shed.

Dun dun dunnnn...

Possessed Sheba appeared!

Felix attacks!

Possessed Sheba nimbly dodges the blow!

Possessed Sheba casts Plasma!

Felix takes a lot of damage!

Felix casts Ragnarok!

Strange Enchantment deflects the blow!

Jenna takes _x_ amount of damage.

Jenna goes down...

Outside was the subtle "Fwump" of Jenna hitting the ground. This made Felix angry. VERY angry. You do not like Felix when he's angry.

Angry Felix attacks!

Possessed Sheba takes infinite damage!

You felled Possessed Sheba!

You get 0 Coins.

You get -15 Experience.

A tremor ran through the earth, and the ruins started shaking. Felix, his anger cooled, looked around frantically, and, the exit in his line of sight, picked up Sheba and made a mad dash for said exit.

Clouds of chocking dust fell everywhere, and rubble danced on the floor. The Earth Adept sprinted fast as he could, clutching Sheba tight, and practically headbutted the ladder before climbing out of the din below.

The first stop was the healer, so he could drive out whatever possessed Sheba for _x_ amount of Coins. After that, as Felix gently carried the blonde to the inn, the light of realization hit him with a rather large and extremely heavy sledgehammer.

"Oh sweet Venus, I forgot Jenna!"

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CL: O.o Din? The Hylian goddess of Power was down there?

No, din can be a common known.

CL: Oh.

Light of Realization: Thank you Garet's Sledgehammer Shack!

NEXT!

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"YOU NOOB! I SAID TO MOVE EXACTLY 3 SQUARES UP! NOT LEFT!" Karst screeched at her mysteriously obtained Gamecube and equally mysteriously obtained Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance game.

Agatio peeked in from the window and was hit by said mysteriously obtained objects being thrown at him. Poor Proxinian.

Not.

Karst flopped back and stared at the ceiling, since she had nothing better to do. An eerie wind blew through the room, but she ignored it.

That is, until an ethereal shape materialized behind her and yelled her ear, "Hi sis!"

Karst jumped and got her head stuck in the ceiling. Upon getting unstuck, she gracefully landed and turned her eyes upon...

...the ghost of Menardi?

Karst stared. Menardi stared back. Menardi stared. Karst stared back.

Finally, Karst asked, "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead."

"That's the thing," Menardi replied.

"What, that everybody thinks you're dead?"

"No, that I AM dead!"

"B-but then..."

"Yes, I'm a ghost. And?"

Karst fainted.

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CL: Well that was short.

And?

CL: Alternate dimension time, right?

Yup. NEXT!

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A swirling blue vortex confronted Isaac, Garet, Ivan, and Mia. How it got there, one can only guess at.

"Can't I poke it?" Garet whined. He received a whack from Mia.

"I guess we go through," reasoned Ivan.

"Alright, but Isaac first!" Garet yelled.

"...Ivan? I feel the Apocalypse is upon us," Mia stammered. "Garet came up with an intelligent idea..."

Isaac looked disturbed as the other three shoved him through.

On the other side of the vortex, Isaac found himself standing on a nice little chunk of rock hovering in a void. A girl, about nineteen, with short brown hair and wearing run-of-the-mill armor played with streamers at the other end of the island.

"Um, excuse me," Isaac said, approaching the girl, "Where am I?"

The girl looked at him and replied, "Noisnemid rehtona ni rea uoy."

Isaac raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Noisnemid rehtona ni rea uoy!"

"Errr...I'm afraid we don't speak the same language."

"Od ew sey."

"So...what's your name, I guess?" Isaac asked.

"Xilef."

"Alright, Xilef, nice to meet you. I'm Isaac." Isaac offered his hand and Xilef shook it.

"Now where am I?"

"Noisnemid rehtona ni rea uoy! Noisnemid rehtona ni rea uoy!"

"Pardon?"

"Noisnemid rehtona ni rea uoy!"

"Ummm...let's try something else..." Isaac looked around, then pointed to a random bird flying overhead. "What is that?"

Xilef looked at him quizzically. "Drib."

"Oh, I call it a bird...wait a-" Good ol' Light of Realization went to work with its trusty sledgehammer.

"Drib" was "Bird" backwards. So "Noisnemid rehtona ni rea uoy" would be "You are in another dimension". And "Xilef" would be...

Isaac screamed and ran back through the portal.

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CL: Hmmm... "Knil Ibihc." Can anyone even pronounce that?

You just did.

CL: Ah well...REVIEW!


	2. PARODIES

Okay, don't kill me, but after consulting my friend SF, I have decided to dedicate this chapter to…PARODIES! Two movies and part of the game!

CL: First, an oldie movie, called The Magic Sword. Your general Dragon-Slaying, Princess-Rescuing endeavor. Next is a movie playing now pretty much everywhere, called The Producers. It's a comedy musical. And last but not least, we have, from the original Golden Sun, outtakes of the scene in Sol Sanctum!

And so it is, with my DS beside me, cranking out Venus Lighthouse music, that I write.

CL: -changes music to Air's Rock(22)-

Hey! CL, what are you doing?

CL: Nuttin…-changes music to Jenna's Battle(47)-

-.- Whatever. Can we start?

CL: You start. –changes music to Dehkan Plateau(86)-

-groans- Num here, LAUNCHING CHAPTER!

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Felix sat by a pond, staring into the water as it reflected pictured of Sheba.

Without warning, the image faded, and a voice echoed, "6:00, Felix. Your sister might be getting worried." Felix frantically looked around for the source of the voice, then shrugged and walked into a nearby house, obviously where he lived.

Upon entering, a McKraden's Cheeseburger was unceremoniously tossed into the Earth Adept's face, followed by, "Oh, sorry, I was wondering when you would show up!"

Felix wiped the cheeseburger from his face. "Jenna, must you throw things so much?"

Jenna nodded and offered her brother a Coke, which Felix moodily snatched and chugged.

It was silent for three seconds, before Jenna tittered, "I know you like Sheba!"

"So?" Felix growled.

"Felix and Sheba, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-"

"JENNA SHUT UP!"

"…G!"

Felix slapped his forehead.

"Excuse me," a Venus Djinni interrupted, "The mirror says Sheba got kidnapped by an evil sorcerer."

Felix shot up. "I must save her!"

"HOLD IT! YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!" Jenna screeched.

"But-"

The door locked itself.

Jenna's glare could set anything she looked at alight. "You shall go nowhere!" she commanded. "You will stay right—is something burning?"

Felix said nothing, only examined himself to make sure he was not on fire. He did not notice his sister screaming and practicing the "Stop—Drop—Roll" maneuver. The fire was out before he finished, anyway.

"Alright, how about a deal?" Jenna panted. "You won't leave, and I'll…uhhh…I know! I'll show you what I got you for your birthday!"

The Earth Adept's eyes lit up like a small child's, and all thoughts of Sheba were forgotten as a hopeful grin spread across his face (or were they?).

Jenna smiled and led her brother down into a cellar he never knew existed. In it were many doodads, all having some purpose. The thing was, the place smelled like a stable. That was quickly explained when Jenna unveiled a magnificent white stallion.

Felix gaped. "How did you get _that_ in here?"

The Fire Adept shrugged. "Ask the director. Anyways, he's all yours next birthday."

Felix studied the room. Apparently, his sister had acquired a curtain fetish. He looked at one that seemingly opened into a wall, drew aside the curtain…and wished he hadn't. "JENNA WHAT THE (censored) DID YOU DO TO ISAAC, GARET, IVAN, MIA, AND PIERS? AND WHY THE (censored) IS KARST IN THERE WITH THEM?"

"They just happened to get those parts in the parody," Jenna answered lazily. And that was when Felix noticed a switch on the wall….

The switch was rather peculiar, looking like it was made of pure obsidian that had been melted, shattered, glued together again, warped, bitten, chipped, crushed, frozen, mistaken for a Mad Vermin, graffiti'd, erased, scanned onto a computer, stapled, taped, and generally beaten up. It was pointing to a label that read "Laidback," and there were two other labels, reading "Angsty" and "Valeshipping." After a minute of thought, Felix pulled the lever so that it pointed to "Angsty" and looked around.

True to the label, Jenna was being angsty about some Djinni she saw and couldn't get because the others just had to find an inn.

Felix scratched his chin and pushed the lever so it pointed to "Valeshipping," and in response to the new setting, Jenna leapt up to hug Isaac and cry about why the directors had petrified him.

Felix had fun with that lever, and we'll leave it at that.

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CL: A lever…riiight….

POWER TO THE VALESHIPPING!

Random Mudshipping Nerd: No, Mudshipping is -snort- better!

Whatever. NEXT! (Thank you Google!)

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Alex stood erect in a German army helmet, confronting Isaac and Garet. "Before you use my play, you will join me in singing and dancing the Fuhrer's favorite tune: "Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"! All right, key of E?

The two boys stared back at him, and slowly nodded.

"Vunderbar! Eins, zwei, drei...  
Guten Tag hop hop  
Guten Tag clop clop  
Ach du lieber  
Und oh boy!  
Guten Tag clap clap  
Guten Tag slap slap—"at this point he slapped Isaac—  
"Ach du lieber  
Vat a joy!  
Oh, ve essen und fressen  
Und tanze und trinken  
Tanzen und trinken  
Until ve get stinkin!  
Everybody!"

"Guten Tag hop hop! Guten Tag clop clop!" echoed Garet. Isaac mouthed out the words but said nothing.

Alex continued: "Guten Tag  
Meine liebe Schatz  
So ve hop our hops  
Und ve clop our clops  
Und ve drink our Schnapps  
'Til ve plotz!  
Vunderbar! Gentlemen, I like your dancing."

Isaac and Garet got the hint and tried their best to keep up with Alex's strange moves.

At long last, the Water Adept stopped and declared, "Gentlemen, you may produce my play—if you take the Siegfried Oath! Repeat after me! I solemnly svear..."

"I solemnly swear..." echoed Isaac and Garet.

"...to obey the sacred Seigfried Oath..."

"...to obey the sacred Seigfried Oath..."

"...und..."

"...and..."

"...never, never, never..."

"...never, never, never..."

"...dishonour ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler!"

"...dishonor the spirit and the memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler!" concluded Garet.

"…Elizabeth?" Isaac questioned.

"Ja. That vas his middle name. Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens," Alex explained. "But you messed up ze oath! SAY IT AGAIN!"

Isaac sighed. "IsolemnlysweartoobeythesacredSeigfriedOathandneverneverneverdishonorthespiritandthememoryofAdolfElizabethHitler."

Garet held out a contract hopefully, which Alex gleefully signed.

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CL: -changes music to Tundaria Tower (31)-

I'm sure you all remember that one fateful scene in Sol Sanctum!

CL: Eh?

The one with Felix wearing a mask.

CL: Oh!

Now, here's what Camelot _didn't_ show you! NEXT!

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---TAKE 1---

"Felix, remove your mask!" Menardi commanded.

No one said anything for awhile, until Kraden finally asked, "…Felix, why are you wearing a Jason mask?"

"Because I want to," he responded.

Everybody slapped their heads exasperatedly. Except Garet; he was too dull.

"CUT!"

---TAKE 2---

"Felix, remove your mask!"

"It's not mine," Felix said casually. True to his words, he was wearing Majora's Mask.

"…Where did you get _that_?" questioned Isaac.

"PROPS!" yelled Garet.

"IDIOTS!" roared Jenna, as Mount Aleph began erupting on its own…

"CUT!"

---TAKE 3---

"Felix, remove your mask!"

Felix this time was wearing the right mask. He began to tug on it…and continued to tug on it…and tug some more….

"Stop wasting time!" growled Saturos.

Felix pulled and clawed at the mask in vain. "It's stuck!"

Isaac couldn't help but chuckle.

"CUT! WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?"

Mia came storming in. "You idiot! I was going to use that for my facial!"

Now Jenna chuckled. "…facial? A FACIAL?"

"Yes, a facial!" Mia moodily retorted. "With honey and milk and-"

"Mia, the last of the milk was drained a week ago."

Garet grinned. "I put glue in the fridge!"

Everybody stared at Garet. Garet grinned. Everybody stared at Garet.

"…Glue?..." asked a worried Felix. "…there's _glue_ in this thing!"

And before anyone could respond, Garet was reeling from an Odyssey attack.

"Sigh…CUT!"

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CL: Well this took you long enough.

-.- Shaddup.

CL: When ya gonna do my fanfic?

-.- After I update my SSBM one.

CL: Aw man….

-.- Whatever.

CL: REVIEW!


	3. MESSAGES FROM RANDOM SPONSORS

-Walks along whistling World Map music-

CL: As is you...

...Okaaayyy...anyway, today, our brilliant theme is: COMMERCIALS!

CL: This chapter will make you want to go out and buy: Deodorant, Bug spray, Chaos powder, Cat food, and the Mars Star!

Num here, LAUNCHING DA CHAPTER!

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"Hey, Jenna?" Sheba asked innocently. "You hate water, right?"

"Yeah, why?" Jenna casually looked back over her shoulder at the Jupiter Adept.

"Does that mean you don't take a bath very often?" Jenna was about to scream back when Sheba went on: "If that's the case, then why don't you stink like a pig?"

Jenna brightened up. "Why, I use deodorant, Sheba!"

"Yeah, but I do too, and I still have to bathe every day."

"That's because you're not using Over-Commercialized Deodorant! It has this new Power Strip, so it keeps you fresher, longer!"

Sheba's eyes lit up. "WOW!"

A mysterious narrator who sounded suspiciously like the Authoress's trusty muse came on, saying, "Over-Commercialized! The Fire Adept's Choice!"

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...Whatever. NEXT!

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Ivan scratched a mosquito bite. Then another. And another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another and another (I'm typing this whole thing out!) and another and another and another and another and anotherandanotherandanotherandanotherandanother...

"THESE MOSQUITOES ARE EATING ME ALIVE!" he wailed, making liberal (frequent, not Democratic) use of Spark Plasma on the pests.

Garet poofed in holding a can of FFO Bug Spray. "Don't worry, Ivan, because with FFO Bug Spray," he said, spraying Ivan from head to toe, "they'll be gone...FOREVER!"

Ivan gaped as the mosquitoes around him fell to the ground hacking and wheezing.

They smiled goofily and sang a little jingle together. "Mosquitoes are gone forever! With FFO! FFO! BUY IT TODAY!"

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O.o Pho? Like the Vietnamese noodle soup?

Light of Realization: -whacks Num with sledgehammer- It's backwards.

Ummmm...NEXT!

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"Do you wish things could be more exciting?" said the narrator who sounded like the Authoress's trusty muse. "Well, through this special VT offer, you can get specially made and perfected CHAOS POWDER for only $4.99!"

Menardi sprinkled the aforementioned Chaos Powder on butterfly shaped cookies and offered one to Saturos, who started trying to learn how to fly by throwing himself at the ground and missing.

"It also has significant use in combat!" the narrator proclaimed.

Menardi sprinkled the Chaos Powder on a Rat Soldier and a Wild Mushroom, who then proceeded to play volleyball using the Wise One, who killed them both and left the experience and money for Menardi to collect.

"And you can buy it for only five stinkin' bucks! CALL NOW OR WE'LL SKIN YOU ALIVE!"

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Doom Dragon: "... Or we'll skin you alive?" Pfffft, yeah, like you're gonna sell anything that way!

Uhh... n.n

Doom Dragon: You're crazy, lady.

Thanks. NEXT!

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"NOW AVAILABLE EXCLUSIVELY AT PETDUMB! IT'S **_SHEBA'S PREMIUM CATFOOD_**!" advertised Briggs.

"My cat would never eat its food, instead always going out and dragging back some kid from the village for supper," lamented Akafubu, Witch Doctor of Kibombo. "Then I fed it **_SHEBA'S PREMIUM CATFOOD_** and now it shies away from raw meat altogether!" He stroked his Siberian Tiger, which purred in response.

"The secret," explained Briggs, "is the crushed sleeping pills! MAGIC sleeping pills! They're harmless to cats, and they're so potent, they can turn a man-eater into a kitten!"

"**_SHEBA'S PREMIUM CATFOOD_**! Available today at a discount price of $4.99! Why buy Chaos Powder when you can tame your cat?" said the narrator who sounded like the Authoress's muse.

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Silver Ferret: First Garet sells sledgehammers, then Kraden sells cheeseburgers, and now Sheba sells cat food...

I know. Ain't it grand?

Silver Ferret: -.-

...I actually saw cat food on sale with the brand name "Sheba" before. Twice.

Readers: O.O

...NEXT!

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"We here at Overpriced Goodies want to let you in on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!" said the general store girl from Madra. "Available now for 9,999,999,999,999,999,999 Coins is the one and only...MARS STAR!"

Felix alone blinked at this strange commercial, as Felix alone was watching it.

"That's right!" the girl continued, "the very Mars Star that can be used to fire the beacon at Mars Lighthouse! Why, you could rule the world with this puppy! And yes, IT CAN BE YOURS!"

'_Must be a trap,'_ Felix thought.

"Come buy it TODAY! There is this one and only alone for sale ANYWHERE! Come buy it in Anemos NOW!"

"Piers, how high can the ship fly?" Felix called up.

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Narrator: Now if you'll excuse me, Num has been playing DDR and must be kept in a straitjacket for one hour.

-rips narrator on stage-

CL: Wha-? Hey! No fair! Why can't I narrate? I did a good job!

. CHIBI LINK! DIE!

CL: Oh sh—

Doom Dragon: -holds up empty top hat-

Light of Realization: -holds up sign saying "Review?"-


	4. SERPENTNESS

(-Num and CL are playing DDR-)

Num: Up! Up! Up-Right! Down! Down! Down-Left!

CL: Right! Up! Left! Down! Up! Up-Down! Right-Left! Up! Down! Down!

DDR Machine: And the winner is…

CL: ME!

Num: No, it's ME!

(-CL and Num start fighting over who won-)

Isaac: Errr…this chapter is on the Serpent, the boss of Gaia Rock. We'll show you how he got there, then Susa (I think that's his name) will sing a ditty about virgins, apparently to take up space. And finally, the serpent dies because of one fatal mistake…he forgets to chew his "food" and it costs him dearly.

(-CL and Num continue fighting; they're now throwing stuff-)

Ford Prefect (Hitchhiker's Guide): Ford here, LAUNCHING DA CHAPTER!

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"Man, I wish I could go somewhere," Serpent sighed, popping another potato chip into his massive jaw.

All of a sudden, in a sparkly tempest of fury, the Fusion Dragon appeared! "We-I mean I can help fix that problem!"

Serpent looked up intrigued. "Really?"

"Yes!" said the Fusion Dragon in an attempt to sound peppy instead of intimidating. "W-I run a travel agency, good sir!" It produced a brochure from a personal-sized black hole and handed it to Serpent.

"Hmmmm…" Serpent mulled over the pamphlet. "How about Bermuda?"

"Errr…we only do locations in Weyard."

"Oh, well how about this Gaia Rock thing then?"

"Sure!" The Fusion Dragon flashed a toothy grin. "Will that be a round trip?"

Serpent roared, "HELL NO! I'm moving my ass OUT!"

The Fusion Dragon shrugged, and pulled a jet from Air Force One out of its black hole. It stuffed Serpent inside, then jumped in the cockpit (don't ask how) and flew off.

The Serpent has lived in Gaia Rock ever since.

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Well, that was a long time ago. Now, we jump to the present, or sort of the present, when the Serpent is being fed Dragonsbane in massive quantities by Susa. However, Susa didn't count on Dragonsbane being, for those who could resist its effects, the dragon's version of vodka.

"Hey, Susa!" Serpent gurgled drunkenly. "Why don'tchya sing sumpin?"

Susa sighed and took out a rugged little lute. "Well, let's see…

"A dragon has come to our village today.  
We've asked him to leave, but he won't go away.  
Now he's talked to our king and they worked out a deal.  
No homes will he burn and no crops will he steal.

"Now there is but one catch, we dislike it a bunch.  
Twice a year he invites him a virgin to lunch.  
Well, we've no other choice, so the deal we'll respect.  
But we can't help but wonder and pause to reflect."

The Serpent's head bobbed along to the tune as Susa continued:

"Do virgins taste better than those who are not?  
Are they salty, or sweeter, more juicy or what?  
Do you savor them slowly? Gulp them down on the spot?  
Do virgins taste better than those who are not?"

"I like your taste in music," Serpent slurred. Susa continued strumming his lute and singing.

"Now we'd like to be shed you, and many have tried.  
But no one can get through your thick scaly hide.  
We hope that some day, some brave knight will come by.  
'Cause we can't wait around 'til you're too fat to fly.

"Now you have such good taste in your women for sure,  
They always are pretty, they always are pure.  
But your notion of dining, it makes us all flinch,  
For your favorite entree is barbecued wench."

"Sing it man!" Serpent roared, slugging down a bunch of Dragonsbane at once. Like I said, it works like vodka.

"Do virgins taste better than those who are not?  
Are they salty, or sweeter, more juicy or what?  
Do you savor them slowly? Gulp them down on the spot?  
Do virgins taste better than those who are not?

"Now we've found a solution, it works out so neat,  
If you insist on nothing but virgins to eat.  
No more will our number ever grow small,  
We'll simply make sure there's no virgins at all!"

Serpent gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"Do virgins taste better than those who are not?  
Are they salty, or sweeter, more juicy or what?  
Do you savor them slowly? Gulp them down on the spot?  
Do virgins taste better than those who are not?"

Susa finished with a flourish. A silence followed.

"…Is that it?" Serpent asked disappointedly, breaking the silence.

And then the adventurers came.

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Felix marched into the chamber, looking mighty heroic. Jenna followed, looking bored out of her mind, perhaps because she didn't get enough burning in. Sheba was next, shivering with fright. Last came Piers, who examined the chamber with curiosity.

"No! Don't fight it! It hasn't gotten drunk enough!" Susa warned. Did the heroes hear this? No, I didn't think so.

---SWITCHING TO BATTLE FORMAT---

(Serpent's PoV)

Felix appeared!

Jenna appeared!

Sheba appeared!

Piers appeared!

Sheba casts Shiver With Fright!

Sheba's Attack drops by _pi_!

Jenna casts Uber Pyromaniac Rage!

Serpent takes 2006 damage!

Piers summons PokeBall!

…But doesn't have enough standby Djinn!

Felix casts Internet Explorer!

Found Serpent's weakness!

Serpent casts Vodka Breath!

It's a One-hit KO!

You felled Felix!

---EXIT BATTLE FORMAT---

As the battle raged on…well, maybe raged isn't the right word…dragged on, Serpent came to a decision that would probably change the game forever.

"Screw Kushinada, I'm eating NOW!" With that, he promptly snatched up Jenna and Sheba, and swallowed them both whole.

Susa blinked.

Piers stared, his mouth agape.

The player pulled her hair out in frustration.

Felix somehow revived himself…and broke down. "How…how could it…? I don't understand…why? Why…my sister…my own flesh and blood? She can't be…gone…no…and…and Sheba…why…? Why them? Why…why…did it have…to end for them…like that…?" Tears trickled down the Earth Adept's cheeks as Piers snapped out of his shock and started to drag Felix away from the chamber. Felix let himself be dragged.

When the two remaining Adepts were gone, Susa stared at the Serpent. "Guess I don't have to go through with my plan till next year…"

Serpent grinned, his teeth still ivory white. This means one thing….

If you listened closely, you could faintly hear two girls inside the Serpent.

"Ewwww! Digestive juices! Are we dead or something?"

"No…just damn close."

Susa blinked. "…You swallowed them whole?"

Serpent grinned. "Yup! Just the way I like 'em!"

About five minutes later, Susa was tuning his lute, when Serpent jumped like Dick Cheney loaded the dragon's rear end with buckshot.

Susa looked up. "What's wrong with you?"

"Birdies!" Serpent exclaimed randomly. He continued blurting off random stuff. "The sky is blue! The ground is rocky! Windows 98 sucks! Nerds will conquer the world! I swear to Drunk I'm not Sol! Eres para mi! OMB looks too much like OMG! OhMeGawd, 1337 !$ w3$0663. REAAAAAAWAHHHH!"

Before Susa could even begin to think of thinking up an appropriate response, Serpent grabbed the poor guy and held him dangerously close.

"Oh, my pigeon," Serpent spoke in a French accent, the stench of Dragonsbane/Vodka strong in his breath, "fly with me to Paree!"

Then Serpent stared curiously into Susa's eyes, and dropped him hastily, shouting, "Arararaieee! The voices of the dead!"

There was a somehow eerie silence, and Susa listened hard. From within the Serpent's skull, he could hear those girls again….

"You shall dance now, or else feel the wrath of-"

"Jenna, do you have a rag I could use? I'm still covered in digestive juices."

"SHUT UP SHEBA! Ahem…you shall dance now, or else feel the wrath of-"

"Hey, what's that pink, squishy mass there? Maybe I should use Whirlwind on it…."

Serpent danced clumsily, crying, "NO! NOT THE PINK SQUISHY STUFF!"

Hearing all this, Susa made a guess that those girls were controlling the Serpent's mind…literally. The next instant, he won $1,000,000 and a box of Ketchup-flavored Rice-A-Roni.

"Picardpiperpickedapeckofpickledpeppers!" Serpent wailed, still jumping hither and yon, before freezing in place again.

"Now you must-"

"WHIRLWIND!"

Serpent's eyes rolled back in its head, before the beast fell over, its brain no longer able to operate.

Susa stared, and yet another silence descended on the chamber. About five minutes later, the Serpent's massive jaw opened, and….

…And Sheba, then Jenna, crawled out, covered in icky-looking stuff. Susa was about to speak, but the girls carried on their own conversation.

"Just when I was having fun, eh? You just HAD to use Whirlwind!"

"But I don't like being covered in digestive juices! Besides, that pink squishy monster was probably going to attack us!"

"That was the Serpent's BRAIN, dimwit."

"Hey, watch your language with me!"

"Oh yeah? You're on!"

"Bring it!"

"SERPENT, I HAVE COME FOR VE-" Felix rushed in heroically, but froze when he saw the Serpent dead and the girls using 4th level summons on each other.

Meanwhile, Valeshippers conquered Hesperia, but that was all the way across the world.

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DDR Machine: And the winner is….

(-CL and Num continue fighting-)

DDR Machine: …IVAN!1ll!1l1!1one1lll1l1!one!1!111!ll1!

CL and Num: O.o

Ford: NEXT CHAPTER IS THE AUTHORESS'S RANDOMLY PLACED THINGYS!

Num: Wait, we haven't done the Serpent chapter yet!

Isaac: WE did. YOU were too busy arguing.

Num: WHAT!

CL: Oooooohhh…trumped! Man, I feel better already!

Ivan: O.o I won?


	5. EXISTING ONLY FOR ITS OWN SAKE

Banana bana bo bana! Fe fi fo fana!

Chibi Link: NO PLEASE NOT THE NAME GAME!

YES the name game! Link link bo bink! Fe fi fo fink!

Carrot: Do the Electric Sliiiiide...

Ooh! Carrot carrot bo Barret! Fe fi fo Ferret!

Felix: Anyone seen my sister?

Felix felix bo belix! Fe fi fo—aww, go away, your name doesn't work well.

Larry the Cable Guy: This chapter is complete random nonsense, tied up nicely with Isaac doin' stand-up comedy! GIT R DONE!

Sauron: I, the Dark Lord of Mordor have forged the One Ring...TO RULE THEM ALL! Oh yeah, uh, start the chapter.

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'Twas a bee-utiful day in Vale. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the citizens were milling about-ing, the uhhs were...uhhhh-ing, and junk like that. It was on this glorious morning that a certain Wind Adept felt like being especially annoying...

"POKE!" Ivan poked the mayor repeatedly. "POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE!"

The mayor groaned, and suggested that Ivan go poke someone else. So that's what Ivan did.

"POKE!" Ivan poked a giant zombie rat repeatedly. "POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE..." Oh, did I mention the rat was on Piers's ship? "...POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE!"

The rat hissed and bit Ivan on the cheek. "Awwww," awwww'd Ivan. "The giant zombie rat thingy loves me!" With that, he gingerly picked up the zombie rat and skipped off the boaty-boat boat.

Ivan skipped into the plaza with the giant zombie rat, and everyone got scared away except for two people...and those two didn't notice, as they were busy in the middle of a high-level match of DDR. These two players happened to be some lady in a white and blue robe with blonde hair and pointy ears. The other player was Jenna.

The two girls were evenly matched in skill, neither one gaining an advantage...not even at the very end. It was a tie. SomeLadyInAWhiteAndBlueRobeWithBlondeHairAndPointyEars cheered for herself, but Jenna was dismayed.

"No! How? I'm the DDR Champion of Vale! NOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU MITHURON!" With that final shriek of agony, Jenna promptly disintegrated.

"Did somebody say my..." Sheba began, then stopped because she remembered her name was Sheba, not Mithuron.

Ivan held up the zombie rat triumphantly. "LOOKIE AT MY NEW PET! His name is Spleen."

Sheba fainted. Mithuron whacked the rat named Spleen _really really hard_ with a large blunt object, thus killing it. Ivan didn't notice. So Mithuron poofed out of existence. End of story.

Well, okay, no it isn't the end...not of THIS story at least! I'm going for 15 chapters.

ANYWAY, so Ivan skipped and twirled over to Kraden's house, but found that Kraden was chasing butterflies, calling then weird names like "_Sylvanias rex_" an' stuff.

"Kraden, look at my new pet! His name is Spleen." Ivan held out the now dead giant zombie rat for Kraden to ignore. After standing there for a few minutes, Ivan decided to go get some breakfast, since he hadn't eaten since his last sugar rush about a week ago.

"Welcome to Burger King," said a grubby lady who sounded like she had one too many a Miller Lite. "What wouldjya like?"

"Sashimi?" Ivan asked hopefully.

"Dun got any. Keep movin'."

Ivan decided to try the next restaurant he saw.

"Welcome to-a the Olive-a Garden," said Mario, who had somehow become a waiter in the Washington DC Olive Garden. "How may I-a help-a you?"

"Sashimi." Ivan demanded.

"Never even-a heard-a the guy-a," Mario confessed.

"It's a food, nyo." Ivan's eyes narrowed.

"We-a don't have-a it-a, pyo." Mario confessed.

So Ivan kept moving. However, there were no restaurants between the Olive Garden and the Smithsonian. So Ivan went to Tolbi. Why? Because he can, dimwits. Why am I writing this? Because I can. Why does a computer exist? Because it can. Why doesn't Armageddon just happen already? It's a mystery, because it can whenever it feels like it...mebbe it's asleep.

Ummmm...this is pointless. Let's watch some Stand-up already!

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Isaac jogged onto the stage with a microphone in hand, to many boos from the crowd.

"Okay," Isaac panted, "well, weird stuff happened in the past week. For instance, just yesterday, I was just wandering around aimlessly, and I find my mom hiding in the bushes." The audience was silent.

"I just stare at her weird, then she notices me and practically gives herself a concussion, then she goes ranting... 'ISAAC! HELP ME! YOUR FATHER'S INSANE!'" Isaac acted out his own mother's expression. "I stare at her and say, 'So? I know lots of insane people! What's one more?' And she starts jumping up and down and says, 'MORE INSANE THAN MOST!'"

Isaac shrugged. "'Send him to an insane asylum,' I suggest. She gets this pitiful look on her face... 'But I love him!' So, I stare at her funny..." Isaac gave funny looks to audience members, "...and say, 'You love my dad?'"

"'OF COURSE I DO!' she practically roars in my face, 'I'M YOUR MOTHER!'" Isaac gave a questioning look to the back of the room. "'...You are?'"

A tomato hit Isaac smack between the eyes.

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CL: Well that sucked.

Tomato tomato bo bato! Fe fi fo fato!

Mia: WTF?

Roy: She means "Review."


	6. TEH ICE CREM CHAPTER

It's been a while, hasn't it?

CL: When are you gonna re-post my fanfic? I'm getting impatient….

Oh, shaddup.

Sophitia (from SoulCalibur): Today's theme is wonderful ICE CREAM! As it says in the summary, Agatio, Sheba, and Ivan will be starring in this chapter. On your way out, don't forget to read the Special Announcement and pick up one of Garet's Sledgekittens™, available only at your local Garet's Sledgehammer Shack!®

Num here, launching a chapter for once!

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"ICE CREAM GOOD FOR AGATIO!" the Proxinian yowled.

Karst sighed. "Not until I get vengeance for my sister's death. An' don't tell me she's not dead. I saw her ghost in Chapter 1!"

"ICE CREAM!"

"VENGANCE!"

"ICE CREAM!"

"VENGANCE"

This went back and forth for a little while, until unexplainably, a Mars Djinni bounded past into the heart of town. Karst and Agatio looked in the direction it had run off in and bolted off after it, screaming in unison, "DJINNI!"

The Djinni was quick, and bounced out of reach as soon as someone was close. They chased it for a looooooong while (insert Chicken Dance music) and eventually narrowed it down to six rooms branching off a hallway, where the situation could be described as the We-Chase-You-Through-One-Doorway-And-Appear-In-Another-In-A-Random-Pattern gag. During this gag, they ran into many strange things, including Garfield from the comic strip, the paper clip office assistant guy, and Isaac. Finally worn out, the Proxinians sat down in something cold…and it wasn't snow, believe it or not.

"ICE CREAM!" Agatio howled victoriously. Karst sighed hopelessly as her companion began to slurp up the ice cream all around.

And then, the Mars Djinni came back, and it started radiating heat…the globs of ice cream started to soften and become liquid sliding down from all sides on the Proxinians….

"RUN IDIOT!" screamed Karst (insert Indiana Jones music here) as she desperately sprinted for the exit.

Agatio regretfully darted out after her, tears streaming down his face.

---later---

Karst panted. "Well, everything's okay, I guess."

"Okay?" Agatio boomed. "OKAY! THAT WAS THE LAST ICE CREAM IN PROX, FOR THE ELEMENT'S SAKE! THE LAST! THE VERY LAST! AND IT'S GONE!" Agatio proceeded to mope and be angsty about the ice cream.

"…And it was the very last of its kind, but cruel fate had to-"

"VENGANCE!" roared Karst.

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A beautiful day in Lemuria it was. Everyone was contently milling around. Everyone…except two people: a man crying over a grave and another attempting to comfort the first.

"Come on, Piers." Felix lamented. "There's nothing anyone can do."

Piers continued sobbing, completely oblivious to Felix's attempts to comfort him.

"Hey, really, at least she won't be a zombie, right?" Felix attempted to lighten the mood. This quickly turned into a rant ranging from cheese to that time Isaac almost got killed in an incident involving Kay, a cow, and a spoon, to reminiscing about the time he left Jenna in Madra Catacombs and that she's still down there. "You should be glad you can't meet her," he finished.

Piers continued sobbing. A bird chirped. Some kids played hop scotch. And Sheba walked by in the background with a twelve-decker ice cream cone, which fell smack on top of her.

"FELIX! HELP MEEEEEEE!" Sheba cried desperately as the ice cream rolled on top of her, squishing the life out of her.

"C'mon Piers, whaddya want me to—hey, that voice sounded like Sheba…anyway, whaddya want me to do!" Felix was getting desperate. Nothing happened. Felix tapped his foot. Nothing happened. Felix watched a pretty bird fly by. Nothing happened.

Felix got tired and sick of nothing happening, so he dragged Piers to the boat and sailed away from Lemuria. It was not until long after Piers had stoped crying, as they were nearing Gondowan Cliffs, when the Light of Realization struck again, with not a hammer but one of Garet's Sledgekittens™….

"Oh sweet Venus, I forgot Sheba!"

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"Good goddess of healing. Ice cream!" Mia exclaimed in her own calm way. The Alpine Pass between Altin, Xian, and the Lamakin Desert was blockaded by the sweet stuff.

"What icy stuff?" Garet asked in his traditional stupidity.

Isaac scowled. "I investigated the portal. You guys are on your own."

"Some help you are," moaned Mia. She was about to say something else when she was distracted by Garet stabbing the ice cream. "Garet, what the hell?"

"Ice eat Midget!" Garet exclaimed, then proceeded to stab at the ice.

Isaac turned away. "I'm not getting him out."

"But Garet's too dull," Mia argued. "You're the only one that can!"

A grin spread ever so slowly across Isaac's face. "There is one other…and I'm talking to her right now."

Mia shrank back, but she wasn't fast enough to dodge the Venus Adept, who hurled her into the sweet, cold blockade.

"Isaac sacrifice blue non-boy to ice," Garet said dully. Moments later, there was a thud, with Garet saying, "Ice hit me in head with blue non-boy!"

Isaac looked over and gathered that something had unceremoniously flung Mia out of the ice cream mound. He was about to make a stinging rebuttal, but before he could…did that glob of vanilla ice cream move on its own!

The ice cream pulled itself together and took on the shape of a fearsome beast, like a cross between a wingless griffon and a Proxinian (not naming any names…). It reared up and bellowed not unlike a foghorn before snarling out, "I have come to smite the Fruit Snacks!"

"We don't have any Fruit Snacks," replied Isaac. "Who are you anyway?"

The beast hissed, showing its minty teeth. "I…am…IVAN!"

"Hello Ivan," Isaac greeted calmly. "Nice knowing you."

Ivan the Ice Cream Beast howled ferociously as he suddenly noticed he was melting in the sunlight!

---BATTLE FORMAT---

Melting Ivan appeared!

Isaac uses Mirror!

Melting rate increased!

Melting Ivan used Minty Chomp!

Isaac was downed!

Mia cares not!

Garet uses Flare Wall on Squirrel!

Flare Wall hits Melting Ivan!

Ivan melted!

---END BATTLE FORMAT---

Isaac groaned in pain. He didn't feel like getting up. His body was so cold from being held in the icy maw of the beast that was Ivan. He certaintly hoped the midget learned his lesson so they could continue on already. He had something completely different heading for him.

"Midget of Ice gone!" Garet blundered.

Mia looked around, shocked. "Ivan melted with the ice cream!"

Isaac groaned. They were _screwed_.

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**SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!**

**Numdenu is starting a fanfiction writing contest! The winner will have the special honor of their OneShot posted in Chapter 15! It cannot be too long, but about the size of one of these many blurbs you area presented with at each update! Numdenu will be judging length, originality (anything featured in this story is fine, however) and spelling/grammar! No strong romance will be accepted!**

**Deadline is whenever I get up to Chapter 14.**

**Please send in your OneShots by personal contacting (on my profile) or give me a link in a review. Please state who you are clearly so I may give credit. Only anonymous reviews if it clearly states you are someone on this site that is not logged in or forgot the link in your actual signed review.**

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CL: A contest? WOAH! I thought it would be something minor!

Yup, a contest. Let's hope Uber Spoonz shows her face again. It's summer vay-kay for me right now!

CL: Does that mean you'll be going back to updating every week?

That's correct. Every week, you should be seeing more of me. 'Cause summer vay-kay means more time in front of the PC.

CL: Don't forget to review on your way out.

And _enter the contest!_


	7. MORE PARODIES STARRING F&J

Ok, yes, it's been quite awhile. I HAD an idea, but then I had a brain fart. Blame goes to…Sir Edmund BlackAdder the First of England, whose demise we will parody tonight, among other things.

CL: After that, Numdenu has had the "splendid" idea of parodying a game from MY series, known simply as Zelda: Windwaker. Warning: Felix doesn't look good with my hat.

He won't be wearing your outfit, Chibi.

CL: Ok, good. Today's duo of parodies will be topped off nicely with a random scene on top of Venus Lighthouse, again featuring Felix and his sister Whats-Her-Face (-gets burned-) …IMEANJENNA!

Jenna: Humph. Shut up, Radish. (-audience ooo's and ahhh's-)

Legolas: The menu's already been given, so I have no reason to be here other than to be here! YIPPEE!

Sora: Errrr…launching the chapter?

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"Why _Saturos_ of all people to side with?" Isaac pleaded to the surrounding, angry looking, and well-armed mob consisting of Karst, Agatio, Piers, Sheba, Felix, and Jenna. "H-he murdered his own parents!"

Agatio shrugged. "Well, who didn't? I certainly killed mine."

"And I killed mine," Piers said as if he was talking about what he had for lunch.

Jenna turned to Felix, saying, "And I killed yours."

"Did you really?" Felix raised an eyebrow.

"Yes."

"Good for you."

Saturos smirked. "So you're all with me…good. Isaac, my rival, you must prepare to die. I have quite an amusing method…."

"Amusing for who, I wonder." Isaac murmured.

Saturos strode over to something covered in a velvet cloth, which he unveiled to be a torture chair, which he promptly shoved Isaac into and chained him down, to applause from the six. "In exactly one minute, the ax blade will lop off your legs…" He indicated said ax blade.

"The shears will cut off your ears," he continued, flicking said shears.

"These blades here will chop off your hands…" said he, brushing his finger along one of the blades before pointing down at a set of rotating blades aimed at the poor Venus Adept's unmentionables. "And I do not think I need to describe the attributes of…the coddling grinder."

Lastly, he indicated a pair of feathers. "These will tickle you under the remains of your armpits, and _that_ is the amusing part."

Isaac gulped. "Uhhhh…could some kind of divine intervention please enter about now?"

Saturos shook his head with a smirk. "No, nothing will save you now. Ladies and gentlemen, let us go and slaughter the Royal Household!"

And thus the seven left, but were soon stopped by the sight of two wenches bearing liquor, which they took part of. Five seconds later, all of them collapsed, flinched, and ceased to breathe.

The smaller of the two "wenches" grinned and spoke in a strangely masculine voice. "Alright Garet, we got 'em now! Let's go save Isaac." He pulled off his wench garb to reveal himself as Ivan and dashed off, Garet trailing after.

But before they could get five yards down the corridor, screams of pain were heard, followed by giggling….

---LATER---

A court of random people not worth mentioning was gathered around a heavily bandaged Isaac lying on a deathbed. Among the chaos, Dora, Kyle, and Mia have assembled. Hey, is it just me, or did CL somehow get in there…?

"Oh, Isaac…" Dora wept softly.

Mia only sounded a little concerned, that's all. "Isaac?"

Kyle shouted in his usual manner…I guess. "ISAAC!"

Isaac's eyes opened slowly. "Father…you called me Isaac…."

"Oh, sorry, IHOP, how are you?"

Isaac sighed. "Not too good. Mia, what do you think my chances are?"

"Good," Mia said encouragingly, "very good."

Dora perked up. "So he'll live?"

"Huh? Oh, I thought you meant his chances of going to heaven."

Isaac swore under his breath.

And now we see Garet and Ivan rushing to the court, Ivan screaming at Garet. "You were supposed to poison the Black Seal's goblets, not the whole batch of wine you numskull!"

"I give you IHOP…" said Kyle, raising his wine glass in the court. Others did the same. "May his name last as long as our dynasty!" Everyone drank…and toppled over five seconds later, dying horrible, poisoned deaths.

Isaac groaned. "Good Lord…wonder if it was the wine…." He clumsily lifted a goblet to his lips and drank. "Apparently not." He set it back down, only to flinch and die. Too bad…I liked him!

And the credits roll by with nice soprano music…followed by….

"DON'T DRINK THE WINE!" shouted Garet and Ivan, jumping into the room at the same time.

"Aww shit, we were too late…Garet, leave 'em alone, they're dead." Ivan grumbled as Garet tried to wake up a random corpse.

Wait…do I have to find a new muse now? I sure hope not….

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Moving on…we find ourselves on the top of and island lookout. Felix (where did he come from?) was snoozing on the top, only to be rudely awakened by a sharp kick in the side.

"C'mon Felix! Wake up!" Jenna kicked her brother again, who, in turn, groaned and sat up groggily. "Today's your birthday, bro. I'll let you borrow this…really cheap…looking tube, AKA telescope…that the script says I give you and you use for the rest of the parody scene. Now look over there…" She pointed into the distance.

Felix dubbed it appropriate to use his telescope, and saw Fehizi the mail woman.

Jenna pointed. "Look, Felix! Pirates!"

Felix saw through his telescope…Jack Sparrow aboard the Black Pearl? "Wrong pirates, bro." He looked again and saw a little yacht with cannons shooting at a giant manticore. Said manticore dropped a strangely humanoid figure into the Mysteriously Growing Woods.

"Script says you gotta check out what happened, Bro." Jenna handed her brother a sword and booted him off on his way.

---IN TEH WOODS---

Kill this monster, kill that monster. Kill all the monsters and get the weird gem thingies that are really shiny. Boooooring. Felix finally came to a girl dangling in a tree….

"Huh? Hey kid, get me down!" Said girl (apparently Sheba) flailed around until the branch snapped and she landed on Felix. "Ow…kid, get out from under me please…."

Felix growled. "If you didn't have your foot in the small of my back I'd be glad to!" They soon untangled themselves, however, and left the woods.

---OUTSIDE TEH WOODS---

"Felix! I'm over here!" Jenna waved at her brother from the middle of a rickety bridge before promptly being snatched up by the manticore.

Felix stared after her before shouting after, "All your Hersheys are belong to me!"

"Aren't you going to save her?" asked Sheba.

"Nope. She'll come back in the next scene."

And come back she will….

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"Hmmm…" Saturos dug through his Pocket Sized Black Hole (PSBH). "Where the hell is the Venus Star?" He tossed various junk out of the way, including a celery stick.

"CELERY!" Felix rushed over to it and stood the snack upright. "GROW, CELERY, GROW! GROW AND LIVE!"

Saturos sighed. "Felix, you are so Greenpeace you're afraid to eat any part of a plant. That is absurd."

Jenna, who was also present, decided to press Felix's buttons. "Hey bro? Don't hate me, but…I had one of those baby green salads this morning…."

"WHAT!" Felix turned on her. "Jenna, how could you? That's like eating babies!"

Jenna was immediately taken aback by this strange statement, and even Saturos looked disturbed.

And Menardi had been turned into a tree back in the vicinity of Bilibin.

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CL? CL? Chibi? LINK, SPEAK TO ME!

Isaac: Due to said brain fart in the opening note, next chapter will be more commercials. And we need YOU to suggest themes to be used! If your theme works, Num will dedicate that chapter to you! Any unused ideas will go to Chapter 15.

MY GOD, I KILLED MY OWN MUSE!

Isaac: Woah, chill Num! (-Isaac uses Revive on CL, and CL lives-)

LINK MY GOD YOU'RE OKAY!

CL: Num…you called me Link…you're gonna update MC: DD next, aren't you?

I guess I could. TLATO: YL will have to wait till the morrow.

Isaac: Review, Peons!

Everyone: O.o PEONS!


	8. TEH MKPT

Well, I WAS going to do commercials…but I had no idea for what.

CL: Oh, brilliant…so NOW what?

Hmmm…someone suggested a Mexican Kibombo Pirate theme….

CL: Okaaaaayyyyy…

It will mostly be Ad-lib. Personally, at this point, I'd love to get this fic done and over with, so I can write a friggin' Sacred Stones parody already. YAY SETHBASHING!

Isaac: Hellooooo… this is the Adept's fic here! Nobody knows who Seth is, except Silver Ferret! And she's a reviewer, no one important.

All: O.o

Brown haired Guy with Wings: No menu, as this is Ad-Lib.

GAH! DOWN, LYEF! AWAY WITH YE!

CL: Who was that?

Oh, that's Lyef, an OC of mine. Just ignore him.

CL: Whatever…CHAPTER LAUNCH!

NOOOOOOOOO!

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"Felix, why do we have to wear these weird hats?" asked Jenna.

Felix sighed. "They're called sombreros."

"Why do we have to wear them?"

"It's the MEXICAN KIBOMBO PIRATE THEME, that's why. These sombreros are from Mexico."

Jenna groaned. "They're itchy."

"Yes, I know."

"So why do we have to wear them?"

"Because it's the MEXICAN KIBOMBO PIRATE THEME! Now, c'mon, or we'll be late for the party!"

Jenna sat down cross-legged. "I'm not going out with this stupid, itchy thing from a flea-market balanced on my head!"

"Well, then wear something to go with the pirate theme!"

"I don't have any pirate stuff!"

"Last anime convention you cosplayed as Jack Sparrow. Wear that!"

"HELL NO! That would be absurd!"

"No, it would be fun!"

"For you!"

"Jenna, please, just pick something! It's either cosplay or sombrero!"

"Then I'm not going!"

"Please?"

"NO!"

"How about something to do with Kibombo?"

"The party's IN Kibombo, stupid."

"Look, do you want to go to the party or not?"

"Yes…"

"Then you'll have to wear something relating to the theme!"

Echo popped out of nowhere. "HOLD IT! We're got gonna get anywhere if this keeps up, plus we'll bore the already pissed off readers!"

"So…?" Felix ventured.

"I propose a duel to the death," said the Djinni simply.

Jenna scoffed. "Hah! Too easy!"

"For me, that is!" Felix interjected. "I always was the better fighter!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"OH YEAH?"

"YEAH!"

"YOU'RE ON, SISSYBOY!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

Echo clamped his paws over his ears. "SHADDUP AND JUST FIGHT ALREADY!"

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Outside, in the Kibombo proper, Isaac and Garet were waiting. Isaac was wearing a cheap kiddie pirate hat, while Garet wore a rotten grapefruit stuck to his head with duct tape.

Isaac sighed. "Those two are taking too long."

Garet blinked and said nothing.

"Garet, do you ever think?" ventured Isaac.

Garet blinked and started picking his nose.

"Can you talk?"

Garet blinked and started doodling.

"Are you even listening?"

Garet blinked and killed a Mad Vermin.

"Please stop blinking so much!"

Garet blinked and solved a Sudoku puzzle.

"Are you too stupid to understand what I'm saying?"

Garet blinked and wrote a novel.

"Kunichiwa, baka."

Garet blinked and did some coding for Halo 3 and Zelda: Twilight Princess.

"Hola?"

Garet blinked and invented a cure for cancer.

"Wazzup mah homie?"

Garet blinked and won the lottery.

"Sweet Venus, are you that dull?"

Garet said nothing.

Isaac slapped his forehead. "Well that was pointless."

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Not far away, Ivan and Piers were at a conveniently placed bar.

"Hey, that kitty –hic- looksa lot like a butterfly!" a tipsy Ivan pointed at a totem pole. "Dat cat got –hic- good gin!"

Piers sighed. "Ivan, you weren't supposed to get drunk! Seven beers was just too much for you…"

"Well –hic- you got 28… so it's only fair… -hic-."

"That's because I have an unnaturally high alcohol tolerance."

"Damn…lemurs… -hic- with them good gin…"

"It's just beer, Tweedledumb."

"Then –hic- prove it!"

"Fine! You're on! I could drink twice this much!"

And thus, Piers dove into his cups with renewed determination.

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And over by the Great Gabomba….

"Allo, salut, sint yel, haduk!" Karst sang along with her MP3 player.

Saturos groaned. "Karst, shut up!"

Karst didn't listen. "Vrais a pleche da numa numa I-ay…"

"SHUT UP! I'm watching Piers attempt to get himself drunk! Damn, I'd be wasted after the second."

"Kipul tow she dragosta din tei…"

"KARST SHUT UP!" Saturos roared. "Mars, how many times do I have to tell you?"

"Miya-hee, miya-hoo, miya-haa, miya ha ha!"

Saturos clawed at his ears. "Quit it! I'm getting a headache!"

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Let's fast forward. I would go to Felix and Jenna's duel, but then I'd have to change the rating.

Echo looked around at the pile of rubble that was once the inn. "Hello? Felix and Jenna…" He pulled up the charred, severed heads of a young man and a teenage girl. "Oh dear…."

Isaac sighed and kicked Lord Garet of Tolbi in the shin. "I give up. There's no use talking to you." He then moodily stormed off, leaving Garet to dwell in his unnoticed greatness.

"Oh Jupiter…seven beers was overkill…to the extreme…" groaned Ivan, who was suffering from an extreme hangover. "How you holdin' up, Piers?"

Piers swaggered a little. "See the little goblin, see his little feet! –Hic- See his little nosy-wose, isn't the goblin sweet?"

"SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!" a sleep-deprived Saturos cried as Karst cried over her crushed MP3 player.

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CL: Well that was uninteresting.

Look, I'm just trying to get this story done and out of the way.

Isaac: What, you don't like us?

It's not that, just that I can't think of anything! My brain is dead, and this story is sure to follow!

All: GASP! NOOOOOOO!

Well, then review with more ideas! I appreciate the praise, but it's not helping! If I don't get any ideas, I'm gonna hafta shorten this to TEN chapters instead of fifteen like I originally planned!

_**And I still need submissions for the CONTEST! Just PM me with it!**_

God, I am never hosting a contest again.

CL: You just really want to do that Sacred Stones parody, don't you?

Well, the sooner I write it, the better. Because then the more time I'll have to be obsessed with it. And the site needs it—all the parodies I read are utter crap!


	9. THE END

Holy Garbonzos, this story's giving it one last heave!

CL: Guess it's not even making it to ten…sad.

Well, first, for your enjoyment, I will post the story of the contest's winner for you all to enjoy!

CL: Well, who is the winner, first?

**MARSHMALLOW BUNNY! Congratz!**

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"Looking for the cure for your cheesey urges?" the TV new-person who suspiously

looked like Piers.

"YESH!" Garet, Ivan, Jenna, Felix, Sheba, the Doom Dragon, Saturos, a Ghost, and

Mia screamed.

"ch33z3 !z f0r l0zerz," said Isaac. "l00k! i m4d3 t3h cur3 f0r c4nc3r, lolz!"

(But no one really cared, anyways.)

"I LOVE YOU, TV-REPORTER-GUY!" yelled Jenna. "LET'S GO ON A DATE!"

Silence. Then,

"If you lay ONE hand on my baby sister, then you're going DOWN," Felix growled.

Everyone else 'oh'ed. Isaac, for he was another type of species, blurted out,

"Pillow! MARRY ME!"

More silence.

"Anyways!" The TV-reporter-guy-that-suspiously-looked-like-Piers continued calmly. "Try the

new CHEESE-IN-TEH-CAN! Made with 200 different types of cheese, it'll be

everyone's favorite, excluding Isaac!"

"WHOOT!" everyone yelled except Isaac.

"I LIKE CHEESE!" roared the Doom Dragon.

"OH YEAH?" challenged Jenna. "I LIKE PENCIL SHARPENERS!"

"What's that?" asked Mia.

"I dunno," replied Sheba.

"... and I thank all of you for your patience for watching this urgent newslash

of CHEESE-IN-TEH-CAN," concluded the

TV-reporter-guy-that-suspiously-looked-like-Piers.

"NO!" yelled Ivan. "WE MISSED THE COMMERCIAL THAT TAKES UP ABOUT FIVE MINUTES OF

OUR LIVES! IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! IT WAS SO... uh..."

"ROMANTIC!" squee'ed Garet. "It was like, 'Relieve me from my agony, please.

I... I... Iloveyou!' Oh em jee!"

(Everyone including Isaac ignored him)

"Well," concluded Saturos. "This was a failure."

"Looking for something to soothe your aching need for a piece of paper?" a

TV-reporter-guy-that-suspiously-looked-like-Mernardi. "Then, introducing, the new PAPER-IN-TEH-CAN!"

"WHOOTNESS!" yelled everyone.

"This feels like deja vu," said Isaac, who magically transformed back into a

human. And, my god! HE SOUNDED INTELLIGENT!

"I LIKE CHEESE!" roared the Doom Dragon.

Everyone ignored him/her/it.

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And now, we present the actual story for today…whatever the hell it may be.

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"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!" Ivan cried from the top of a cliff. "I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY!"

"In very naughty places?" chirped a sugarhigh Haze.

Ivan paused for a moment, then gave his reply: "YES! I will touch the sky IN VERY NAUGHTY PLACES!!!" A momentary pause. "But…I will need to learn how to fly!"

Haze raised an eyebrow. "And how will you do that?"

"Simple," said Ivan with an evil grin, "I will learn from the Otherworld!" And he promptly summoned a portal.

"Where," Haze inquired, "did that come from?"

Ivan grinned. "I can figure out how to create these ever since Isaac went into one on our epic quest!" With a maniacal cackle, he entered.

---IN THE OTHER DIMENSION---

The familiar floating chunk of rock that formed an island in the abyss greeted the extremely short Wind Adept. A bird—errm…drib—fluttered by overhead. Everything seemed normal.

And then out of nowhere came a shining blue ball of light with wings. The orb, apparently a she, spoke in a high, annoying voice: "Uoy era lleh eht ohw?"

Ivan stared at this glowing orb. "Ummm…do we speak the same language?"

"Ah!" The orb suddenly started speaking understandable English. "An Otherworlder! See, I knew this would happen! The others thought I was just too strange, learning to speak your language—which is ours backwards, by the way—but now I can show THEM! Hah! I knew it was true the moment Xilef and Caasi started ranting about it! …HEY be careful! You could fall off into the void!"

Ivan covered his ears in pain. "Who the hell are _you_?"

"NAVI!" squeaked the orb. "Of course, I'm in fairy form right now because I just got back from an Ocarina of Time novelization. And you are…?"

"Ivan," sighed the Wind Adept Who Was Shorter Than Edward Elric.

"KEWL!" Navi screeched. "HEY! You must be my Otherworld equivalent! LISTEN! I'm glad to meet you! HEY! You appear to be in pain!"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE ANNOYING!!!!!" cried Ivan in desperation, before retreating back into the portal fast as his legs could carry him.

"Taht saw ohw?" asked a burly blond man.

Navi turned to face him. "Abehs! Uoy dlot I! Tsixe sredlrowrehto!"

"Os…" Abehs raised his eyebrows, "Thgir erew Caasi dna Xilef."

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…That's it.

Everyone: That's IT?!?!?

Yup. This story is kaput. But please, enjoy the return of the alternate dimension. I did get two other very good entries for the contest, so thank you both!

Jenna: But I didn't even appear in this chapter!

Mia: Nor did I!

Agatio: I certaintly didn't!

(-GS crew gets together to form a riot-)

Chibi Link: Well…that's all—

(-suit of hollow armor dashes in-)

Armor: Sorry I'm late! What did I miss?

CL: Everything. Now, why don't you go wallow in your despair, Al, since you missed the final chapter?

Al: But I don't wanna!

CL: Tough. Now, where was I?

Al (in background): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

CL: That's all, folks!

(-screen fades-)


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